i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
