i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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