Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
