I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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