I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
