I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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