I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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