Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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