apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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