I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize