Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
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