Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
