I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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