I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
