I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
