I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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