u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
