there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
