Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
