I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
