do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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