Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
