OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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