CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
