you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
