U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
