brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
