Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
