I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
