Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I will pee on everything he values.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
