Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i love accidental penises.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
