I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
