How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
