someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
