My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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