I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm too high and old for this...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
