I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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