I have demons in me.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
