Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I deserve this hangover.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
