Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
