I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
