remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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