Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
