FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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