I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
