No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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