My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
