Your face is a jimmy john
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We just shotgunned beers for America
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
