To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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