Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
