EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
