i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Drake has all the answers
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
