you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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