i think my mom watched the whole time
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
