Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
babies were throwing up all over the place
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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