the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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