ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
