We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
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