3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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